you wanna know what i’m afraid of?
i’m afraid of being framed. it’s bad enough i have people twisting everything i do at any given moment into however they perceive it (or just being malicious) and then sharing it wherever this shit is taking place.
this abuse went well beyond the family realm. i have to live with it everywhere i go. sometimes i feel like strapping a body cam on me and recording everything every second of the day in the event someone does try and harm me in whatever way… hell i’ve had police officers driving around town at night (some that have sped around neighborhood corners screeching their tires and then slowing down to pass by me in an attempt to intimidate me) but that would be a hassle and too exhausting to live with.
regardless, i’m still leaving. you can’t hold me down and i never have and never will give in to this treatment. you abused me for long enough, and you lost me. everyone has. tell yourselves whatever lies you want, you’re the ones that believed them all this time… misinterpreting everything i’ve done due to what you’d been told and hiding everything from me for years… allowing myself to believe that my life as i actually was living it was real… when it was only being controlled by other people. this isn’t your life nor is it your reality. it’s mine. and you took away everything. i have every good reason to be raging. i do not care anymore. i’m no longer sorry for it. not even an ounce of remorse. i’m only sorry for taking it out on the dogs and my beautiful celia, yelling and/or sometimes smacking them whenever they did something “bad”. but i never intentionally abused them aside from that and it was never extensive. you were wrong about everything and expected me to go along with everything you tried to set in place over the years. relationships included right? …do this… be this… like this… not this or this… no no no you’re wrong you can’t do things this way, THIS is the way to do it! you can’t think for yourself! you can’t think outside the box! you’re not able to do this! listen to others! depend on others! there’s only one right way to live your life and this is how you have to do it! it’s already been layed out for you! you don’t have any other choice! accept it or you’re wrong! DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO! DON’T TELL ME HOW TO DO THINGS! has that attitude ever changed? and you wonder why i become so reckless with it at times? haha you are acting so damn cliqish and i’ve always rebelled against that. doing whatever i want, how i want, whenever i want and hanging out with anyone and everyone and not even giving a shit if someone didn’t like me back. as long as they respected my personal life and privacy we were good. i never gave much thought into anything else. and throwing around the words psychopath and schizo because i choose to stand up for myself and choose to not accept the lies people continue to tell me about everything going on behind my back is fucked up. i’m not sorry for being cold and bitter. cry me a river, i’ll just have a nice wild swim in it. and i’m not sorry for stealing some of the change that’s been sitting downstairs for years. get over that too. it’s been years since i stole anything (first grade… except for a TLC album from John at his hostel and also pizza from i forget what her name is who also stayed at John’s although i denied it at the time when she asked who ate some), and stealing the change is the only thing i’ve stolen since being here… i did it as a huge fuck you. (same with eating all of the food in the house and no longer helping with anything at all) maybe i took it too far towards the end. oh well. i didn’t steal brittany’s zune, regardless of what she or todd says. and i even payed her for losing it (unless todd never gave her the money he owed me/she never asked him). maybe she won’t be honest about the fact i found over 40 dollars in her camera bag when i helped her move into her new house (something i did as a favor, not even expecting anything in return at first… but yeah i’m such a bad friend lol right okay… didn’t even start treating her like shit until i suspected her and todd of talking to my family somehow… months before i figured out what was really going on) and asked her if she knew about it while handing it to her. i could have taken it… but that’s not the kind of person i am. so a huge middle finger goes out to everyone who has tried to make me look as bad as possible. i’ve been minding my own business, riding my bike around town, taking care of me and have been distant with all BUT a few of which i thought were real friends until i got things together (brittany included)… hell i was even distant with them, but not as much as the rest. i’ve enjoyed MY OWN company for several years now through battling depression and waiting/figuring out my next move to avoid and get away from family without them interfering with my life at every turn. you’re all a bunch of assholes. i admitted to every one of my wrongdoings… the lies, the cheating, etc… they were posted in the blog entries earlier this year. a lot of you just don’t want me to live a good life. i deserve prison or death for what i did a decade ago right? (not counting the illegal downloading i did online over the years since… that’s the ONLY thing that’s happened since then… as well as sometimes fantasizing about it with those i knew… it NEVER physically happened in any way shape or form with anyone after Jordan… and never will again)… just fucking admit it. you should have been honest with me about everything from the get go. you weren’t. this happened. it got out of control. i finally found out, called what i could out from what i found. and here we are. NOTHING can change the fact that you were and are in the wrong. keep hiding everything from me. keep trying to get others to “connect” with me by saying things you think will “entertain” my mind… hilarious! and how has that worked out over the years? NOT WELL huh!?! gee i wonder why there has been such a disconnect?!! keep trying to control me and getting others to do the same as if i’ll listen to them and take their advice into consideration. (those days are over now… as seldom as they were anyway)… keep judging me. keep calling me fake. keep calling me whatever names you want. keep calling me a child. keep making shit up. keep making me look as bad as possible. keep saying i’m to blame for everything that’s happened to my life. i’m going to wear all of it standing tall and alone. i don’t owe this society anything. it’s just me and the planet now baby. i’m well aware of how things work, i just simply no longer give a shit. i haven’t looked for a job in over two years, and never will again. i’m my own boss. i’m my own leader. i’m my own teacher. pretty much always have been. and there’s nothing wrong with that. just because i go against the rules doesn’t mean i’m wrong. i have a mind of my own, and no one is going to take that away from me. there’s beauty in how i live my life (when i’m actually living it), but you don’t see it. that’s not my problem. i’ve come so far and have evolved a lot over the years. i did it all for me, because i can. i’m constantly changing, just never the way you expect me to. i don’t need your approval. get the fuck over it. there’s nothing you can do about it, and it sure as hell is none of your business. stop acting like it is. keep trying to figure me and my life out! you never will if you remain caught up in all the noise. don’t waste my time. i’m content again. and no, i won’t get over myself. i mind my own business, so it’s okay. :* x
